Isolation

I feel isolated. Maybe it's because I'm in Oglala, Nebraska... Pretty awesome city, and by city I mean small gathering of motels and fast food restaurants surrounded by endless farms and grass. It might be because no one is responding to my digital attempts at communication right now. Maybe it's a combination of both? Whatever.

Colorado (before and through the Rockies) is absolutely beautiful. Grass, trees, rivers, snow... Awesome. After the Rockies it pretty much gets shitty and as is the equivalent of Nebraska. This has been an enlightening trip--I've discovered most of the country blows. Some of it is alright, but mostly it just sucks. Driving 80 MPH on the freeway isn't quite fast enough. I'm glad there are airplanes.

I feel extra lonely now... What is loneliness? I don't understand it. I'm with my dad, but I've been around him for so fucking long in proportion to my life that he's almost not here. That's kind of mean, but I think you'll catch my drift. I don't know... this is a thought I don't think I could work out if I sat here staring at the screen for an hour.

See. 30 minutes and I can't think of a thing...

p.s.

My girlfriend is legitimately bi, and it turns me on.

as usual

I am getting lazy with blog posts. This is what always happens, but I am going to persevere. On the road currently. Staying in the Rabbit Ears Motel in Steamboat Springs, Colorado. Colorado makes me think of the Grizzly Bear song, maybe it's because it's called Colorado and the word is repeatedly many times in the song. Anyway, I don't have too much to say. It's strange what little bubbles we all live in. I can't imagine traveling to another country, mainly because I've never done it but what I mean is the culture shock. These small towns are so different than the urban area that I'm used to...

It's weird, but the people even look different. Mostly in bad ways to be honest. I saw one of the ugliest women I'd ever seen today at a McDonald's in Utah outside of Salt Lake City. To top it off, she was married to a man with a mullet. Talk about double whammy.

I'm considering showing my girlfriend this blog. It will be weird, considering I've written stuff vaguely about her, or about her stuff. (I'd like to say that when I said I didn't like Elliot Smith I was in a bad mood. I have to listen again... sorry, love.) In fact, I only know of one person who legitimately reads this thing, although I've said before (I think) that this is mostly for me anyway. It's true... I don't know who else I'd be writing these mundane thoughts for... Maybe Jesus or Hare Krishna or something.

Why?

Is everyone as self-centered as I am?  By everyone I mean every human. Am I really selfish? Am I justified in being angry right now? I hate being this mad and not knowing if I have a legitimate reason to be so.

I'm probably just a selfish asshole. Oh well, at least 1 song on the album is almost completely done. Pretty sweet.

what a trip.

The events of the last week have been so intense and overwhelming that I find myself wondering where the days went. Today was a horrible experience and I just want it to be over. My mind is so frightened right now. The darkness... silence... there isn't anything it is okay with that is not sensually engaging for me, but I'm so tired and all I want to do is go to sleep. I feel as if this is a good opportunity for me to share a song that I've written, more for me than everyone else, but that's what this is for anyway isn't it.

Castle in the Clouds

I'm tired, I haven't slept a wink in three days

And I know that I'm from some place that is quite far away

But still, is that the way to treat someone like me?

Cause you just seem to do what you please

They say once it grows dark here it never turns back

But you point and you grin and you laugh and then you ask

Is it you? I swear that you don't belong

And I know soon you'll be long dead and gone

Walk through this maze

You will not

Sometimes I just feel like drifting away in my head

I'm speaking these words but no one has heard what I've said

In time I know you'll see my point of view

And then we'll bend the facts to match what is true

Wet my feet in the creek as it drifts slow up the hill

Time has been lost here but forever has been as well

So dream of houses up among the stars 

But we know none of them will ever be one of ours

I don't like the last line there, but I'll fix it eventually. I wrote this with somebody else in mind, but it feels more like a conversation with myself now. Strange feeling.

I hate titles

Is it wrong for me to dislike my girlfriend's favorite musician when she likes all of my favorite musicians? Probably. I don't know, I just don't like him.

I feel down for no reason. I'm not enjoying my life right now... I feel empty and meaningless. I don't even enjoy playing my music right now. It's all stupid and meaningless; nonsensical words, boring guitar work, and shitty vocals. Why should I even bother recording my music when 90% of the planet will never hear, and 60-80% of the people that do hear it will disregard it as horrible.

And don't tell me it's worth it to go for that target audience. Bullshit. At least school is almost over so I can sit around moping all day.

Is this life?

Pretty crazy how fast moods can change. I went from being fairly happy and confident about the rest of this week to being extremely angry and depressed with extreme negativity about the end of this week.

Basically what I'm saying is that I hate my life.